It was my third swim for the day. The air was stifling with Thailand humidity, forcing myself off the beach lounge chair I had been stuck to for the last several hours.

It was tag team time. Kalyra refused to come out of the water and Craig was ready for a break. I unwound and jumped in. The water had just enough chill to wash away the stickiness, but not so icy it put the high beams on the beach.

A long tail boat puttered past into shore transporting a group of passengers from the other end of the bay. I love watching long-tail boats. I convinced Kalyra to stop dog paddle races for now so we could flat on our back and watch them anchor into shore and unload.

My peaceful and pretty view suddenly shattered in front of me. A pair of butt cheeks had just disembarked. A black T-shirt thoughtfully covered the person from top of the butt up. The black shoulder length curly hair confused me: man or woman?

Either way, unless you’re Ryan Gosling I don’t want to be seeing your butt cheeks. Before I could look away, it was confirmed.

The left leg swung back up onto the edge of the boat in an effort to grab a forgotten bag, assaulting my eyes with a pair of much smaller bags housed in a fluoro orange thong.

Not what I wanted to see on a sunny afternoon floating in the Andaman Sea.

He walked up onto the sand, the orange budgie smuggler protruding uninvited into my face Again that weird side kick movement while a photo was snapped. What the hell? What sort of a pose is that?

Next to him stood a lady with her butt cheeks hanging out and another two in the group slowly walked up the beach.

Kalyra had seen the butt cheeks and looked confused. Her hand covered her mouth and little giggles escaped between her fingers.

She did not see the thong at all and when he turned around she gasped,

“Mummy why does he have an orange wee?”

My chest burst with laughter and I could barely compose myself. Not quite aware of what she said but noting it was funny she started giggling uncontrollably too. We cackled as we watched the merry thong group walk up the sand to take a seat in the Reggae bar.

“Mum it is disgusting that he is walking into that cafe naked. Wait till I tell Dad.”

I think he almost didn’t believe it was true until about an hour later when it was his turn to swim with Kalyra and I was once again stretched out on my lounge chair sipping on a coconut.

I was ready for the show.

Craig was staring, eyes opened wide behind his glasses. The group had finished lunch and were heading back into the boat. They were posing for photos and playing in the water, the orange banana hammocks splashing and dancing around in Craig’s swimming zone. Kalyra watched hand over mouth, looking from the boat to Daddy then to me. I heard the words “orange wee” spoken several times.

It was time to climb back into the boat and I waited for the horror violation that was to come, the infamous climbing side kick spreading the butt cheeks and dangling the balls out in the open.

The attempt failed.

Oh no not again. Third time lucky. But, he must have been tired and knew his limits.

He grabbed the Thai captain and jumped into his arms in a full frontal bear cuddle. Orange G-string wee rubbed up against more manly tasteful board shorts. The Thai man quickly threw him over the side into the seat.

I saw him inwardly shudder.

Craig looked at me shaking his head laughing, Kalyra was snorting and I was chuckling in an effort to wipe away the feelings of being violated on a Phuket Beach.

All innocence is now gone.